24 July 2024

Parenting in Sport

As a clinical psychologist and parent of three children involved in competitive sport I write this blog with lots of “skin in the game”. To be honest it has taken me a while to be ready to write this one because my value of authenticity of myself as a practitioner would have previously meant I wasn’t practicing well enough what I preach.

Sport has the opportunity to build health, fitness, discipline and social connection. It can also provide opportunity for increase confidence and success.

For context, my children are involved in a lot of competitive sport with daily training and lots of competition, some local, some national. I share this because I am hoping that this blog can relate to all children in sport from the grassroots level to elite sport. What we notice as psychologists in parenting is that there are some different parenting styles that play out on the field regardless of a child’s ability. It normally relates to the parent, that is, rather than the child’s sporting talent.

John Gottman is an Internationally recognised psychologist who identifies different parenting styles and makes recommendations for what works best in supporting your child’s emotional resilience.

Laissez Faire Approach

This style of parenting is based on a belief that if emotions are released the work is done. Laissez faire parents freely accepts all emotional expressions from their child. Little guidance is offered and limits are not set. In sport this may present as smiling warmly toward your child as they are having a tantrum on the field for a call not going their way proud of them for getting their feelings out.

Disapproving Parent

The disapproving style believes that vulnerable emotions are a sign of weakness and should be controlled. They are highly critical and tough on their child and emphasise the importance of perfection and excellent outcomes or standards. This style of parenting on a sporting field would show the parent yelling or giving angry looks towards the child and making it very clear what they did wrong and how disappointed the parent is in them. They can either be loud on the sideline or can look very intense.

Dismissing Parent

This parenting style disengages or ignores the child’s feelings hoping they will disappear. Problem solving and talking about what has happened doesn’t occur ever and they move on from situations without further thought. An example in sport may be that the child missed out on getting a place or was disqualified and it never gets discussed despite the child being teary in the back of the car. Music is played and you tell the child what will be served for dinner that night.

Emotion Coach

The emotion coaching parent values the opportunity for increased intimacy and emotional growth through talking about their emotions and what has happened. They are respectful and collaborative and do not tell a child how they should feel. Limits are set and values are encouraged through guidance, role modelling and support. On the sport field if a game hasn’t gone to plan these parents will embrace their child with a warm smile, validate their emotions and experience and encourage them to shake hands with their opposition. They will speak with them when calm about the game and collaborate on ways forward in a positive growth mindset manner over criticism. They encourage their child to set their own goals.

As a result of my own experiences as a child in sport and being parented, I have a history of moving between the disapproving parent and the emotion coach. I can now say that I am mostly the emotion coach after multiple years of observing (self and others), processing and implementing change. Interestingly, whether a coincidence or not, my children are now performing at more elite levels in their sports with me being less intensively involved. They are demonstrating not only increased joy and happiness in the sport but better self-managed discipline, better sportsmanship and better outcomes. I have noticed that child athletes with intense disapproving parents are dropping out of the sport early, are socially isolated in their teams and appear very unhappy at carnivals and games.

Being more of an emotion coach and managing your own competitive thoughts and feelings takes time. It involves recognition and responsibility taking including apologising to your children. It takes sitting back and tolerating the discomfort of watching your child not perform well and it takes a willingness to smile and embrace your child and be positive when things have not gone to plan. It is their journey, not ours. It is through failure and mistakes that their growth occurs. It is also impossible to do well every time you are on the field or in the pool. Our children are more likely to engage in sport and keep at it if they are having fun.

At a National training camp for one of my daughter’s sports, an experienced coach sat all the parents in a room away from their children and said that the children are elite athletes with potential to do great things BUT more than any medal or recollection of a great mark or tackle, they will remember the friends they made and the fun they had. With a National gold medal I can say that memories are mostly about the Hotel spa and pool, the girls in the team and the other girls in opposition that they met. Recently I was listening to Caitlin Foord’s podcast and she said when she had to miss one of her first Matilda’s games as a teen due to injury she really cared most about the merchandise and spending time with the other players.

As parents let’s work towards providing the best opportunity for our children to enjoy sport and set up their own journey. You can still be involved in setting limits, requesting hard work and providing competitive opportunities for your child. You can still enjoy seeing them win and accept that it feels good for you too when they have good outcomes. Most importantly your child needs to feel that you equally love them when they fail to when they succeed. Let them prioritise having fun over winning. Let the coach do the hard work with your child.