16 July 2023

Are Happy Couples Chatty Couples? Building intimacy through effective communication.

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, especially when it comes to couples. As a Couples Therapist, I witness firsthand the power of effective communication in fostering intimacy, resolving conflicts, and building lasting connections. However, I have also encountered in my practice, the pitfalls which derail even the most well-intentioned couples. In this post, I will explore the common pitfalls in couple communication and delve into simple skills that can help you overcome these obstacles, paving the way for healthier and more harmonious relationships.

One of the primary pitfalls in couple communication is the failure to truly listen to one another. Often, couples fall into the habit of merely waiting for their turn to speak, resulting in missed opportunities for understanding and empathy. Active listening, on the other hand, involves being fully present and engaged in the conversation, without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Start communication by encouraging your partner to share their thoughts and emotions, and make a genuine effort to understand their perspective. Make it a daily practice to paraphrase and reflect back what you heard to ensure accurate comprehension. This simple skill of “mirroring” back what you heard also helps your loved one feel heard and understood. Improving your listening skills helps to foster a deeper connection and prevent misunderstandings from escalating.

Assumptions can be dangerous territory in couple communication. It’s all too easy to assume that your partner knows what you’re thinking or feeling, leading to unmet expectations and unnecessary conflicts. Instead of assuming, practice open and honest communication. Express your needs, desires, and concerns clearly, using “I” statements to avoid blaming or criticising your partner. Similarly, encourage your partner to communicate their thoughts and emotions openly. Talking openly about your feelings means being open to vulnerability. For this to be successful you both need to foster a safe space for vulnerability, where you can build trust and prevent assumptions from poisoning your relationship.

Empathy forms the cornerstone of healthy communication, yet it often erodes over time. Couples may become so caught up in their own emotions and perspectives that they fail to consider their partner’s point of view. Cultivating empathy requires a conscious effort to step into your partner’s shoes and understand their feelings and experiences. Show genuine curiosity and ask questions to gain a deeper understanding. Validate your partner’s emotions and avoid dismissive or judgmental responses. By practicing empathy, you can bridge the gaps in communication and create a more compassionate and understanding bond.

Communication extends beyond mere words. Non-verbal cues, such as body language and tone of voice, play a significant role in conveying messages. Misinterpretation of these cues can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Pay attention to your non-verbal communication and encourage your partner to do the same. Be mindful of your facial expressions, gestures, and posture, ensuring that they align with your intended message. When in doubt, seek clarification and ask your partner directly about their non-verbal cues. By honing your awareness of non-verbal communication, you can avoid unnecessary conflicts and foster better understanding.

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. By recognising your pattern of communication and addressing the common pitfalls, you can overcome these obstacles and foster a deeper connection with your partner. In my practice, clients bravely engage in mapping out patterns of communication and engaging in role plays where I coach them through these skills. Through a supportive dialogical approach, couples build and enhance an emotion focused communication style where they can actively listen, be present, avoid assumptions or the trap of mind reading, to cultivate empathy and lay the groundwork for greater openness, honesty, and vulnerability. Remember, it takes time and effort to master these skills particularly when you don’t see eye to eye or are in conflict or at an impasse with your partner. With persistence and perseverance, the rewards are well worth it – a stronger, more fulfilling relationship built on a foundation of effective communication and deeper intimacy.

Written by Dr Mary Cantrill, Couple and Family Therapist